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The hardest part is the finality of it.

The fact that there is now only a handful of pictures left to be seen, and that number is definite. 

There will be no more of them taken.

No more videos to watch,

No more movies to see,

No more car rides to take,

No more restaurants to try,

No more new things to show her...

What's done is done.

The rest of my life is an awfully long time to be without you.

Losing Myself

Laying here without you, for the first time in forever, and all I can think about is how big this bed feels.

I find myself still sleeping on only one side of the bed, and trying desperately to only use half of the covers.

As I roll over to stare into the black abyss that would be your face, I realize that I'm only half a person now...

And that was my worst fear...

That I would forget who I was and lose myself.

Now, as I breath in the smell of you from your pillow, I realize that without losing myself, I never would have found where my heart and soul belong.

Without losing myself,

I never would have found myself.

Shooting Stars

Two shooting stars passing through time and space.

Neither knows where they are going nor where they are coming from.

All they know is to keep going.

No one knows why it is they cross each other's path... Whether it's by fate or by chance.

All anyone knows is that for that moment, they light up the sky,

And neither is ever the same.

Your Smile.

Your smile. 

The twist of the corner to reveal your open heart.

Smote me so gently that I should start to wonder where your mind would roam

When it is just you and me alone.

Are you thinking of me and of memories past?

Are you thinking of the things that you gave up at last the day you took me to be yours?

We are so young.

Two hearts that were lost and searching for a place to call our own. I found my home in that smile.

I found my home in your laugh.

I found my home in your arms that held my body made of glass,

And protected me from every inevitable passing mistake.

You held me as I was, and you loved me anyway.

My heart was yours to take.

One day I fell... And I broke.

Shattered to pieces and forgiving words you spoke.

But you didn't see me the same way.

I no longer sparked in the light,

No longer reflecting and refracting a beauty from inside you once loved so tenderly.

You fell too...

But I know why.

You did it so we could be together...

Without guilt...

Without regret...

Perhaps you didn't know it, but you needed it... And I did too.

Love isn't about perfection, and loving without mistake.

Love is about accepting the other along with every time we take a step in the wrong direction.

We learn to love without contract and with conviction...

And we love each other even more for being the same.

Sometimes I wonder where your mind wanders.

Your smile.

Perfectly imperfect.

Parenthood

It's not fair to go into parenthood already having preconditions in your mind for who your child is, or will become. Many people judge them and stereotype them before they even leave the womb (They are going to be a pretty little girl, or a tough little boy)... Not even realizing that they, the parents, are becoming exactly the type of people most want to protect their children from. Many parents forget how lucky they are just to have children in the first place... Their job is to love them, protect them, and teach them about the world... Not despise them, attack them, and give up on them just because they weren't who you wanted them to be. The true definition of love is acceptance... Not tolerance. 

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you" John 15:12

The Heart

It's funny how our hearts attach themselves to other people. Someone can walk in your life and you may have no second thought of them, but they come in and change your life forever.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman.

You're aging right before my eyes.

Cancer has robbed you of a lot, but mostly time.

A fragile little doll made of glass, with fuzzy whisps for hair.

You toddle around the room with your two liter of Coke like a baby with their bottle.

Those clothes you're wearing used to fit you, but now

they hang from you and swallow you whole.

You look so happy laying in your bed surrounded by pillows and teddy bears and other fluffy things.

Your skin is dark and has turned grey, 

but every moment your eyes open, the brightest light from the most beautiful soul pours out and fills the room, 

and we all run and race to try to catch it, if even for a moment.

As you shrink smaller and smaller, your heart grows bigger and bigger, and your rooms grows fuller and fuller of people trying to give to you just a fraction of what you've given them.

From the moment you came into this world, it was forever changed.

Not many people touch the lives of every person they meet...

But you did...

And you still are...

And you always will.

As I watch you while you sleep, 

I think of all of the things I'm losing, like precious time and memories...

And while it doesn't look like there is much for me to be grateful for,

You remind me every day how to appreciate the little things...

Like lottery tickets, 

Stuffed crust pizza, 

Thrift Stores,

Teacups,

and every moment I have left with you.

One day you'll shrink so small that you'll disappear, and I won't be able to see you anymore...

But you'll still be there...

As long as I look and listen.

In memory of 

Sandra Najera Jimenez Lambert.

I love you, I love you, I love you momma.